By the time David Bazan released his first proper solo LP, Curse Your Branches, in September I was already filled with doubt over my spirituality. I began to wonder if my religion was based on one man's understanding of it, and without his understanding, did I really have any of my own? I liken the process of doubt to a tiny hole in a sack filled with grain, or a glass of water left out in the sun; it may take a while and you may not notice it, but eventually the grain and water disappears and you are left with nothing. Each question resulted in five more, and before I knew it was inundated with the sinking feeling that my religion made zero sense.
Curse Your Branches has been described as Bazan's divorce from Christianity, and while that may be over-dramatized, a cursory listen to the lyrics suggests a man who has serious, unresolved doubts of his faith. Below I posted an a brief interview spliced with a live performance I found on the web that seems to sum up the record from Bazan's view better than I ever could:
For me Curse Your Branches solidified my feeling that I am completely alone. I had lost two men who at various times in my life had been spiritual, creative, and moral guides. And while I am still coming to my own conclusions about God and Christianity, one thing is absolutely clear: the journey to discover or abandon God is a solitary one. I am involved currently with some deep discussions with an old band mate of mine who is now a pastor, and boy! it's been insightful and stimulating. I am beginning to feel the value of the process, the excitement in the search, the beauty of not truly knowing. Where for the previous nine months I have felt panicked by my identity-changing doubts and saddened by my loss of security, today I feel hopeful, not so much that there is a specific answer out there that will satisfy this question (because I don't believe there is one), but that the question faith is something that is always changing, like a living organism. In the same way that Science sees its understanding of the world as something always growing, morphing, becoming something new with the capacity to surprise and delight the dedicated follower, so too should our understanding of faith.
David Bazan plays our house show Sunday, January 17th. As this show is sold out, I will try to post something helpfully expository on Monday.
You can catch Bazan with a full band Monday, March 8th at Alex's Bar in Long Beach.
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Despite my lack of knowledge about the details and your previous pastors exit from the position he held, if you appreciated his viewpoints on religion and spirituality and valued those sermons, I would suggest acquiring some form of contact.
ReplyDeleteThere was a pastor at a roving church up in Seattle that would record his morning services and burn them onto a disc to give out to anyone who wanted them in the evening. Even if I didn't go to a service, I asked a friend to pick up one of those discs for me, every sunday. I loved his sermons for similar reasons; they we're functional to modern society, and very conscious of being a forward thinking Christian in a transient life. Once I moved to California, I occasionally emailed with that pastor, and the sporadic communications with him was more insightful and beneficial than any of those discs that I had.
Even if you've never talked to him before, maintaining a level of correspondence with something that held a strong piece of your belief can be very advantageous, even in ways we couldn't ever understand. And as someone who's own faith has and continues to ebb and flow, I've learned that regardless of my own unwillingness to ever step foot into an organized church ever again, keeping the doorway to Christianity and faith open to enter our lives of its own volition has never been a painful or difficult thing for me.
But then again, I'm in my mid 20's.
Hello Ben,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your candor in sharing your thoughts. Its refreshing and edifying in many ways. I do miss talking with you.
Ron
Ben, I totally understand where you are coming from and am going through the same process. It is a very solitary journey as you said, but I hope we can get to a good place soon.
ReplyDeleteCatherine
Thank you all for your comments. It's an odd feeling of being alone and together at the same time. I wish you both the best! And Paul, age don't mean a thing, thanks for your advice
ReplyDelete