Why Can't I Just Be Happy For You?

In 1995 I got into a band called Sunny Day Real Estate, and while they are currently trying to revive their glory days, in the mid nineties they were tops for me. Sunny Day's records were released by seminal Seattle label Sup Pop and ever since then my dream has been to be in a band signed to Sub Pop. In my younger years I would mail copies of my band's records to the address on their mailing list, I would want to listen to anything they put out. And for a good five years after Sunny Day they put out their share of crap. Although my interest in Sub Pop waned I still thought of their label as the place to be.

Fifteen years later, I unabashedly hold on to this link to my teenage years. I love Sub Pop, I love the bands on Sub Pop, I can't help it, they're all just so cool!!! And yes, I still dream of being in a band on Sub Pop. So when I heard local band Avi Buffalo was recently signed by Sub Pop I found myself instantly jealous. Now I consider myself a pretty rational guy; I've never heard Avi Buffalo's music, I don't know them as people; I shouldn't care one way or another that Sub Pop signed them. In fact, if anything, I should be happy for them! But why wasn't I?

After thinking about this question all weekend, the answer that I've come up with is undoubtedly embarrassing and a bit indicative of a deeper problem. All this time I've thought of myself as a guy who supports local music. I mean, shit, I've been playing in local bands in southern California for twelve years now. I am a local musician who shares the same hopes and dreams with hundreds of other fantastic warm hearted like minded individuals. And as friends and acquaintances have succeeded around me I tricked myself into thinking I was happy for them, when the truth was that I always felt that stab of envy. I've basically been disingenuous to a ton of people I've called friends and contemporaries because of this one fucked-up thought (and here-in lies the answer to the above question): If I am honest with myself I feel that Summer Darling deserves all the good things that happen to bands more than my friends' bands.

This realization has sent me into a minor tail spin. Not only is this thinking flat out wrong, it's highly counter productive and damaging to any sense of community I have always thought of myself as supporting. Why is it wrong? First, I don't believe any one really deserves anything. Any success, however much it may be viewed by others as "well deserved" is just that, a subjective opinion. Everyone has different versions of success, and I wouldn't doubt that some people I thought of as successful may not think that way about themselves. This constant game of comparison and the resulting feeling of entitlement gets in the way. I don't want to be a slave to my own subjective opinions, I want to be the person who is generally happy for those who have the opportunity to be successful, especially since I want people to be happy for me when I am given that opportunity. At the risk of turning this into my own personal indie rock after school special, I am determined to undo this poisonous way of thinking that I have been ensconced in the past decade.

So let me be one of the first to honestly and sincerely congratulate Avi Buffalo on their upcoming opportunity and cheers to all my friends who are still fighting the good fight. I really do wish you all the success I believe you deserve and may we have the courage to continue following our teenage dreams.