What a weekend! For those who don't already know this about me, I struggle with anxiety and a number of phobias. One of those phobias was finally put to rest Saturday afternoon. With my whole band, plus Chris and Nada, around me, I got my first tattoo. It was a special and terrifying moment, knowing that Heather, Dan, and Todd would be sitting in this same chair getting this same tattoo after me, feeling the bite of the needle, the blood rush to the head. I did ok even though that above picture would tell you otherwise. Once Eric at Gold Rush Tattoo began etching the design done by Suzanne Walsh into my skin and I knew what the pain was and how to define it and how to separate myself from it, my fear of tattoos melted away.
I realized that what I fear most, where most of my anxiety lies, is in the unknown. The minute I can comprehend something, categorize it, take it apart and reassemble it, it becomes the thing it always was before I experienced it. Which leads me to my greatest fear: death. Jon Glyer, my brother's best friend, and a long time family friend of mine, died tragically Friday. It really fucked me up, having to deal with my greatest anxieties and confront them. I am reminded of a lyric from "Fight Test" by Flaming Lips: "But I'm a man, not a boy and there are things you can't avoid. You have to face them, when you're not prepared to face them." That's what growing is, that's what changing is. Facing the things that terrify me and try to conquer them. In the case of a tattoo, I no longer have that fear. It dissipated with the pain into a dull ache I can recall whenever I want to like the memory of bad sunburn or bee sting.
As for death, there's not getting around that one. There's no understanding it. Once it happens to you, there's no more need to understand it. I realized that I have to be ok with not understanding it. In the same way that I've had to allow for the possibility that there is no God, I have to be ok with the unknown parts of this life and not let them rule me. I was losing sleep for two days, freaking out over something so trivial as a tattoo. That's irrational and stupid of me and keeps me from enjoying the here and now. Death is such a greater abyss of uncertainty and if I don't start accepting it, then I can't imagine what a wreck I'll be when my time comes. For now, I am so thankful for every moment I get to live this beautiful terrible transcendent thing called life.
My thoughts and prayers go out to Sarah, Jon's widow, and his parents, Nancy and Paul. You are all truly special people to me and Heather and Jon will be sorrowfully missed.
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sometimes i think that there is a really good reason why you're heather's husband and i'm heather's best friend. i've always associated "flight test" with the same things you're talking about...death is really tricky, really scary, and really sad, especially when you think of all of those people you love living on and missing you, or you missing the ones who loved you. give your family and jon's family a big hug from me.
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